Little did I know that five days after my last entry (Sept. 14) my kid brother would die from a vehicular accident. It's more than two months since it happened and my heart is aching just like when I first heard of the tragic news. At this point there is a big disconnect between my heart and mind. My mind tells me, matter of fact that Junjun  died, but my heart still struggles to accept it.  My heart and mind are not together these days...processing this event in my life is a slow and painful grind.

September. 18, 2012 (about 12:20 noontime in the US...that's Sept. 19...12:20 after midnight in the Phil.)
I was in the car with my family (Steve driving) headed to Long Beach NY, coming from the Poconos...about this time I was looking out the car window...feeling sleepy...while in the Philippines, Junjun's car careened and  fell off just at the foot of the bridge 15 feet down below. How did I not feel anything at that moment? He was my brother...

One short sleepe past,
Wee wake eternally
And death shall be nor more
Death, thou shalt die.
               ---John Donne

When I got home that afternoon, the phone rung and my sister Ellen was at the other end uttering my name  3 times with such a frantic tone. I knew something was bad, so I went to the room in private. She said, "Pong....Pong...Pong....(one of my many nicknames at home)....Junjun is gone."
A black wall immdeiately kept my brain from accepting a horrible news and in denial I just said,
 "He's gone, where to?"
Then she said, "He's had an accident and he's gone."

I gasped for breath. Like someone pulled  my heart out of my chest.
My husband heard the name Jun and my gasping for  breath....and tears started streaming down his cheeks.

And my heart said, "Remember Job.. worship the Lord  for He is sovereign."


September 20
JFK airport waiting to board the plane.
Jun-jun DIED.                             Junjun DIED?
My little brother passed away.
What strange words.
I have to go home to say, "GOODBYE."
I mean, "SO LONG." and "SEE YOU LATER."
43 short years.
He was bigger than life.
So soon.
Yes, I dreaded this happening---I mean the DEATH--- but it happened too soo.
He wasn't careful.
He loved his family deeply, but he wasn't careful...for their sake.
He knew how to enjoy life.
Junjun DIED.
I have to write those words over again---to see the words because  my heart says they are not true.
My kid brother, SO FULL OF LIFE,
bursting with hopes and dreams... striving, always striving to do well in life...
he PASSED AWAY. It is all so SURREAL.
Junjun DIED.
I have to stare at the words to let them sink in.
He was funny in many ways.
He can send my mom in stitches with his antics.
He had this  funny butt dance  that gave my mom belly ache and tears laughing.
Oh, he went too soon.
Age 63 would have been ok----but 43?
Preposterous!

AIRBORNE:

With a family so young, he left too early.

I am not questioning God, for I believe  He is sovereign and in control. Nothing escapes His  eyes.

I am just trying to make a sense of my personal loss.

But I was looking forward to having get togethers  with my siblings when we get  older.

Now it's minus 1. Minus Junie.
The funny one is GONE.
Where is he now?
Where is his soul roaming now?
Is he watching his family in grief?
That must give him a heartache too.
Is he afraid? I pray not.
May the heart of his soul be at peace .
May the Spirit of God guide him in this.....his journey.

He was gallant. And magnanious. Always generous.
Always hospitable and again generous to a fault.

He was a dreamer.
He always did things to bring him towards  those  dreams.
He dove into endeavors head on---and not toes first.
He was carefree, not conservative in  these endeavors.
He lived big---he lived  in the moment  and for the moment  even if tomorrow  was not promising.
He laughed lots, but he gave lots  of incessant laughterS.

He was  Councilor of Lupon.
Full of kutzpah. And adventure.  And boldness.
Now the Sangguniang Bayan of Lupon  will not be as fun as when Jun was there.
His High School reunions will not be as fun as they used to, when he attended  them.

He was the center from which guffaws, laughter and giggles  emanate.

He had aspirations  of being a mayor in Lupon...like my Dad once was.
Given time, he could be one  if he goes for it. But now he is DEAD.

Life has gone out of his body. So young.  So soon.  At 43.
He was adventurous. He loved to have fun. He was a risktaker.

Now I'm going home to the Philippines to say goodbye.
Junjun DIED. Junjun is DEAD.
What a strange thought.
Maybe I should say  to soften each new blow everytime it comes to mind...
Junie has gone home.
Junie has gone home ahead of all of us.

He left with a bang. His car flew off the side of the bridge. What an exit!
Never a dull moment even to the last minute of his life.

He was passionate  about novelty  of just about anything---
ideas, endeavors, business, people big or small.

Sometimes, I cannot help but think that he somehow helped himself to this sudden demise.
I am disappointed with him. Maybe I am mad with him because he drove fast...in the dark...after midnight.
He was not careful.

He was so full of life. My heart refuses to believe that he is now gone.
This world is too big---I feel that he  is just in another part of this planet   where I am not.
He is not dead---NOT in my heart---
He is alive  somewhere, only I cannot speak to him anymore....or hang out,,,
My mind tells me, "But you held him, cold and hard as a rock...unresponsive...without breath.
DEAD.
I close my eyes and think of him...I can see his face laughing, I can hear his laughter.
I can see him dancing, I follow with my eyes the funny moves he makes to make us laugh.
I can see him sit and talk, and  know so well how his lips uttered words, or
 know so well when his eye lids flip close a second and how his eyeballs move this side or that side.
He is alive in my heart.

NOw, how are we to tell Nanay?

This news will kill her. JUnjun is the reason why Nanay has stayed so long after her stroke. Although she is paralyzed and so helplessly trapped in her body---she is on a mission. "To watch  my children." She really means, just not admitting, that she is being there for Junjun. She hopes and dreams for his dreams to come true and for his  many endeavors to be successful. She wants to see him financially set, and not striving so hard. She's been so supportive of Junjun eversince.

He was the  apple of her eye. How are we going to let her know that Junjun is DEAD?
Must we  omit the word tragic from the incident? Like it was just a plain accident---crashed the car and died?
Never mind the words, his car was totalled and he got crumpled  inside.
Never mind telling that the car veered off at the side of the bridge and flew up and went crashing down.
T'was just an ordinary accident? And he died.
No, NOT "He died."
"Junie has gone home to be with the Lord."

I have not slept for two nights since I found out that  Junjun DIED---how can I ? Everytime I close my eyes, the darkness closes in upon me with  visions of Junjun's  car flying  off the bridge and crashing---did he die instantly?
Speculations and questions....
Memories and visions of him swirl in my head.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot stay still.
Maybe it's just a joke---a really bad joke.

Junie had so many cares in  his life but he never buckled  down.
When Nanay had the major stroke, followed with many eschemic ones....at that same time his  radio stations were shut down for  some violation found triggered by his radio announcers  involving themselves  in negative political comments not supported by the  radio management itself---and YET again  that sametime Edna, his wife was very much pregnant and was found to be  carrying a  baby with major abnormalities (some organs are missing). My heart went out to him and I watched him. He simply stood his ground, kept quiet, sighed away...and thought and thought  and thought. I knew he prayed fervently in his heart.
I never saw him breakdown. Just his eyes were thoughtful and sad.
But he kept on going.
I never saw a weakness in his character regarding all the  issues that barraged his life...so unkindly... at that point....
He managed himself well.

Junie is  always flying to and from  Davao/Manila. He  always took  pictures of himself seated in the plane, then he posted them on facebook.
He must be  on his way to Manila now, midnight on my watch (NY time as I am airborne). Noontime in Manila.
Yes, Junie must be  flying on his way  to Manila by now, not seated as he always did travelling, but lying  down...
below...in the plane's belly...as a CARGO. Junie in the plane as a  mereCARGO.

HOMECOMINGS  from faraway lands are supposed to be joyous!!!
Not so this time.
My pain stems from the thought that Junjun could have lived 30 or 40  years more with his beautiful family. He loved them so.
He would never let go of them  whatever circumstances arise.
He loved his wife Edna---he adored his kids. He was so proud of his family, he talked  about them with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. He talked about his kids with such parental  pride in his  heart.

Sometimes my heart plays a trick on me. It tells me this whole thing is just an experience--and when all this is over, Jun can resume his life.